Falsies

This is going to prove how I  a) am easily influenced by others around me and therefore need to keep tabs on myself and b) should maybe not be left alone late at night.

Actually, it's okay to leave me alone late at night.

It's not okay to leave me alone late at night with new beauty products.

We (women) all know how it feels when you buy a new beauty product.  Okay, maybe a few of you don't care about beauty products at all and believe in "natural" beauty and I say kudos to you, you must be the type of person that can still look beautiful while tent camping after 3 days. If you are, please don't ever go camping with me because I disgust people like you. I actually wear foundation and a light lipstick when camping. And mascara.

Don't judge.

Anyway, when buying beauty products, it is normal to have the "I can't hardly wait to put this on my face!" feeling.

So let's go back to this weekend when I sent my husband on the Dad-Kid-Campout with the kids. My husband was quick to notice that whenever I talked about my friends and what we were going to do during the campout weekend, I always talked about us moms "sending" our husbands to the campout. Not "so and so's husband is going to the campout", but "so and so is sending (husband) and kids to the campout this year!"

This weekend I had a baby shower of a dear friend to attend. That would usually enter into the category of cramping my introverted "I get a weekend all to myself" mojo, but it was for one of my dearest friends who has been through a lot to get pregnant. I arrived in town for the shower about 45 minutes early and happened to spy a Target nearby. (I hear the collective gasp of my 8 readers!)

Whilst at the Target, I cruised through the beauty section.  (Note: I had already picked up a pair of very cute $14 sandals, dangling from my hands).  I could not justify purchasing new eye shadow, eye liner, or eyebrow pencil...because I just got those...but I could see myself getting...wait for it...false eyelashes. (There goes the collective groan of all 8 readers).

I could feel the false eyelash starter kit burning a hole through my purse as I sat through the baby shower. I could picture my husband coming home and saying, "Who is this mythological creature who has not only done my laundry, but also is tempting me with her beautiful eyelashes??" I could see myself at the upcoming work meeting- fully in charge, with gorgeous eyelashes. I could conquer mountains and manage my children better- all with beautiful eyelashes.

I had a headache driving home from the baby shower. It took me 3 hours to get rid of it.

It took me another 3 hours playing with paper art and watching movies to realize I hadn't even touched my false eyelashes.

Dilemma: How to watch movies and put false eyelashes on at the same time? (and after 2 glasses of wine and a carbohydrate coma, no less)

Not one to be deterred by the challenge of a beauty/movie dilemma, I grabbed a small lighted make up mirror ( I won it at my husband's work Christmas party! Huzzah!) and my false eyelash kit.

The instructions on the false eyelash kit were so tiny that women my age, who actually might need false eyelashes, can't read them without a magnifying glass or carefully placed sunbeam.

After trying to hold the words up to the magnifying mirror part of my make up mirror, then realizing the instructions were backwards (it's after midnight by now), I ran upstairs to grab my book light.

Book light carefully balanced on the table next to the make up mirror, I proceed to follow the directions which indicate that I need to open the eyelash glue and place a small dot on some foil (run and get the foil).  Unfortunately, although the picture on the instructions indicates that the glue just flows out of the bottle, I had to slam the glue on the tinfoil several times to get enough to make the recommended dime sized dot.

Next I take the tiny tweezers (that look like they could seriously do damage to your eye if you sneeze during this procedure) and pick up a teeny tiny group of false eyelashes that look like they come from a sugar pine tree.

I taught Outdoor Education for a year.

I dip the end of the teeny tiny grouping into the glue (not too much!) and then apply to the lash line (NOT THE LID) of the eye.

Thought: Aren't your eyelashes attached to your lid? Wouldn't your "lash line" be part of your lid?

As I pulled the tweezers away, I realized that the lash grouping had attached itself to the tweezers and not to my "lash line". Five more attempts did not prove much better.  After about 20 trials, I had managed to stick about four groupings as close to my lash line as I could and I had something that looked like longer, prettier lashes.

1:00 am. I begin to work on the other eye, only to realize that some of the lashes from my first eye have fallen off.

It's amazing how at 1:00 am a few groupings of lashes can look like a spider and although in your deepest intellect you know it's not a spider, the part of your brain that should have gone to bed a long time ago says, "Spider!" and so you jump and say, "Ee-yah!" or something like that and try and flick the spider (that once was false lashes on your eye) that is glued to your fingers off your fingers without much success.

2:00 am.  I finally packed up my failed attempt at beauty and went to bed.

The next morning I found that 4 of my lashes on my right eye were way longer than any other of my lashes and they were securely fastened to my lash line. I wore those lashes like a badge of beauty honor for the 2 hours that I took to take a leisurely shower, clean the kitchen, and do a load of laundry.  Then I removed them because I realized how ridiculous it looked.

I had to remove them following the instructions using the eyelash remover solution. Which poured out of it's bottle like water.

I also whitened my teeth with whitening strips. Those worked out okay. Except for the strip that is stuck to the carpet that I can't seem to remove.